When I decided to share my passion for health, happiness and yoga, I wanted to make sure I was pretty clear on my motives.  Certainly, the ability to write that first post about the bombings at the Boston Marathon was a powerful catalyst for me.  It felt so reassuring to see in black and white how my yoga practice has nurtured a new peace within me.  The thing is, I can write to make it all look beautiful and perfect on the outside or I can write straight from my experience and heart.  Its like either struggling on my mat to muscle into a yoga pose so it looks good on the outside or letting the yoga pose meet me right where I am on that day and have it work its magic on the inside.

 

Yoga certainly has worked its magic on my inside.

 

“What’s up with you and that yoga?” my father said to me during his last visit.  (If you know him, you can hear it right?…heavy, snarky accent on the “yoga”) He’s the most loving, sweet, caring, nurturing, but at times, old school man you’ll meet.  Not always a filter between brain and mouth and, sarcasm was the native language in my house growing up.  But, I always felt loved, protected, and encouraged!  Here’s the thing Dad, yoga has let me find myself.  It showed me that the story I’ve been dragging around with me about who I am, who I am supposed to be and who I am not is total made up bullshit. (sorry for the swear, Dad, but its important)

 

I spent a good part of my young adult life just being sad and mad.  Sad because my mother died and there I was, a teenage girl without a mother.  Mad because it made it easier to not feel sad.  What was my story here?  Fear!  Big time fear.  Fear, that the next bad thing would happen.  My father would be taken from me, something would happen to my little brother, or that I would feel and be stuck in this sad/mad place for the rest of my life.  As I got older and had my own family, the fear overtook all of it.  Fear for my children, fear for my husband, fear for my own health.  Totally exhausting!

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One yoga class, a teacher of mine, Philip Urso said, “fear is not real”.  What??  I’ve based most of my life on fear!  It’s the cornerstone of my existence!   Who would I be without fear?  Philip went on to say that, “love is the opposite of fear”. “ You cannot have love if you have fear” he said.  Ok, this guy must not know me.  That’s how I love…in total fear of losing!  I let all that simmer for a looooong time.  How do I let go of all that fear?  It’s a habit, comfort, an old friend I’ve been using to protect myself since I was a little girl.  But, it lied to me, it can’t protect me.  It can only rob me of the present moment.  Rob me of the blessings I have right before me.  After a lot of time thinking, digesting, reading and practicing…I get it.  If the opposite of fear is love, I choose love.  Do I still have fear?  You bet!  I do, however, recognize that fear is a lie.  It’s a made up story of what ifs designed to keep me small, anxious and, closed.  Not me, I may still feel the fear but I choose LOVE.  Everytime.

Thank you for reading!

Wishing you Health, Happiness and Yoga

Love Carlene

You first port of call should still do my homework be the catalogue